My in-laws live in Italy, half a wold away from my family here in San Francisco. When we visit once a year, we try to stay for several weeks if we can, soaking in precious time for our kids to connect with their grandparents. Because my kids are young, I try to get creative about ways to keep them engaged in the conversations, listening to the amazing stories my father and mother in-law have to tell, instead of running off to play with toys.
Deep listening is hard to teach, and it probably won’t surprise you to know that I find art to be a powerful tool in these moments. On our most recent visit, I told my five year old we were going to make an art project about a story we heard, and prompted her to ask her grandparents what their room looked like when they were her same age.
Her grandfather’s eyes lit up and he leaned in towards her and said- “I lived above a movie theater!” This was very surprising to all of us (even my husband, who had never heard this story). My father in-law proceeded to share how he and his 8 brothers and 1 sister stayed in an apartment just above Cinema Hamsien in Asmara, Eritrea. They would sneak down to watch movies like Gone with the Wind in the beautiful old theaters. Often, they would pretend to fall asleep and the ushers would carry them all the way up to their apartment, at which point they would jump out of their arms laughing and just run back downstairs again, pleased with themselves and their trick. My daughter was delighted.
We returned home to San Francisco and she and I took a cardboard box and recreated the scene. She found tiny Christmas lights to light up the sign and red felt to be curtains. She even made me google the outfits old fashion ushers wore back in the 50’s and drew little ushers with popcorn walking up the aisles.
When we finished we called her grandparents on video. My father-in-law was beaming as she described all the parts of her creation. The video was promptly requested and sent around to his brothers and sister who were equally delighted.
Three months later, we got the news that my father in law had brain cancer. Nine months later, he died.
This movie theater story was one we would have never known, and now it is one we will never forget. It is not a profound, or dramatic story in itself, but my daughter’s process of interviewing her grandfather, of WhatsAp’ing and calling him for follow up details (what color were the seats in the theater? What movies did they play in the theater? What was the theater called? How many rooms did the apartment have?) created the kind of deep careful listening that results in people feeling connected to one another. These connections allow us to step outside of ourselves and see things from a different world-view, and they allow us to feel. These are essential ingredients of raising anti-racist kids.
So does art matter? Does it open new conversations that would never take place? Does it open our hearts to deeper states of feeling and compassion for others? You know my answer, but I invite you to test it for yourself, and your family, and see what you discover.
Here’s to the urgency of deep listening. Here’s to making the most of the time we have together.
